Life goes on

Joe and I are amazed how life indeed goes on. The memorial mass will be tomorrow morning. I am not going as there is no way the boys could sit still through an hour mass. The memorial party at Marie Calendar's restaurant is on Sunday afternoon. The initial shock of Susie's death has passed and now we are in acceptance mode. We have had a long time to prepare for this inevitability. Undoubtedly there will be other times where waves of grieve will pass us but for now we are doing ok emotionally.
Yesterday we took the boys to Irvine park. We went on the train ride (overpriced at $4 each as it was all of 7 minutes long). We fed the birds our scrapes (items that had fallen on the floor of the car and my unsuccessful gingerbread cookies). We played at the playground with Max (5.5) and Jackie (4) who were very sweet and sociable. Mason wanted a pony ride so we went on three loops around the track on "Rocky" who Mason later said he missed. :)
Today I met up with Robin (from UCR) and her twin girls Heather and Alison in Glendora. It was great to see her and great to get out of the house. Joe got some things accomplished while we were away which was good. When we got back I typed up the Susie bio that Avonda is going to give the Priest to read during tomorrows mass. We then took the boys to Chuck E. Cheese for an afternoon of fun. They loved it and BT was able to put a dollar bill in the change machine all by himself. He also loved putting the tickets in the machine to count them for us. We all had fun and got home after 4pm. Since then we have been laying low and hanging out at the house. Tomorrow will be stressful, emotional but cathartic hopefully.

Subdued Christmas

We arrived at Joey's moms house at about 7pm on the 23rd to spend the holidays with her and Curt. Susie passed away the next day. She never woke up the morning of the 24th. She stopped breathing at about noon. While we were grateful we saw her the previous evening for a few hours we were in shock that she passed so quickly. Clearly she held out for our arrival. After a little perspective, we realized that the most important thing was that she saw us, albeit briefly, and that she died a peaceful death. Her biggest fear was that her death would be painful. Dying in her sleep was true gift. Needless to say we have all shed a lot of tears.
Christmas Eve traditionally has been my favorite day of the year. My family has gone for a Christmas Eve walk in San Francisco ever since I can remember. It is our one family tradition and the one day we surely all spend together. This year my family met on the 22nd (to accommodate our going to Anaheim) and walked around Mill Valley instead of SF. Susie's passing on Christmas Eve felt horrific and I honestly don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. She is the first person I have been close to that died. The only other two times I can recall feeling nearly this sad is when I had a miscarriage and when I put Guiness to sleep.
Joe's mom was such a sweet kind woman. Seeing Joey cry and beg his mom for one more day alive was heart wrenching. Trying to keep a semblence of composure for the boys was a challenge for us. None of us are truly in the Christmas spirit. We opened presents this morning (all of them from Susie) which felt surreal. While we said outloud that she would want us to enjoy Christmas, none of us could shake our sadness. There were moments today when I could get into enjoying the boys ' presents with them, like Talan's new train set but for the most part our energy and enthusiasm were low. Susie's absense is palateable. Mason asked where Grandma Susie was and I told him that she was in heaven. He said "already"? Yes, already. She shouldn't be but she is.
I did take photos of the kids opening gifts more for their memory books than because I wanted to remember this day. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Joey is contemplating the meaning of life. Why are we alive he asks? We are born, we live and then we die. What is the point in that he asks? I don't know how to answer. Just keep trying to have faith. Faith that there is a larger purpose. That our actions matter more than wealth and status. That who we affect along the way as we journey through life is what leaves our legacy.
To say we are sad, confused and over-eating would be an understatement. I hope the boys don't remember any of this. I wish they didn't have to experience this at such young ages but I am powerless of people, places, things and situations. Powerless. Need faith. Shed tears. Communicate. Enjoy the beauty of my two exhuberant boys. Listen to Christmas music. Go online and journal. Use the tools I can to get through this dark time. Merry Christmas Grandma Susie. We love you. You are sorely missed and won't be forgotten. Ever.

Time with my family

We had some wonderful quality time with my family for the few days I was home. We made german pretzles, gingerbread cookies and did spin art. We also modified our Christmas Eve walk to a walk in Mill Valley on the 22nd. It was a really nice time and love how the photos turned out.

A night without kids

A rare but very much appreciated treat, I got last night "off". Aunt B had BT spend the night and Joe had a slumber party with Mason and Charlie (who is also 4). I got to visit with my friend Christy for several hours which was great. This morning I woke up at 5am as I didn't take a sleeping pill and so instead of fighting my insomnia I watched three episodes of Greys Anatomy on Mason's DVD player. I hiked with Megan at 8:30am which was beautiful and felt wonderful. It was great catching up with her. I also visited her house to see her remodeling efforts. I am now up at my sister's house and we are about to go shopping with BT at Vintage Oaks. Joe is taking Mason and Charlie into the City to meet up with Jimmy Conroy.
We went to the SF Zoo yesterday. Barclay, Joe, the boys and Charlie. It was cold but fun. We all liked the Muskrats best. The boys also enjoyed feeding the goats in the petting zoo area. The zoo has made some upgrades but has a long way to go.
It is nice to be in warm weather and with my family and friends. Marin is so beautiful. I think I will always enjoy visiting. But Idaho is my home!

The Mad Dash to Get Ready for our Trip

These photos were taken by my babysitter Justyne who watched them for me Sunday night and I just think they are so adorable. Mason fell asleep on Lulu the Lamb despite not being tired and Talan read to himself in his new red rocking chair. God I love my boys!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness. How is it that there seems to be so many things to do before we leave? And I am so compulsive. I detailed both bathrooms as I can't stand the idea of coming back to a dirty house. I have done 4 loads of laundry, baked cookies (for the airplaine), cleaned out Joe's car as he will be alarmed at how we destroyed it in two weeks, packed for all three of us, organized our office area as it was mayhem and I've done all of this since 1:45pm.

This morning I finally rallied to go down to NIC to inquire about the nursing program. I have been thinking about doing nursing instead of therapy ever since I went to San Diego to visit Hillary. I had sort of an epiphany while I was there and I have just kind of sat on this by myself to see how the idea feels. It still feels right. I will have to repeat 3 science classes and I wouldn't be able to apply until next year. But I could be finished by May of 2011 at the tender age of 40! That doesn't seem too bad to me which is wild because truthfully I thought this might freak me out. :) So my intention is to take one class starting in January, one class over the summer and one class next Fall. I wouldn't start being a full time student until August of 2009 - Mason would be 6 and Talan would be 3.5 years old. The advisor I saw today said I could go for a BSN later on which would obviously open more doors, make me more marketable and increase my earning potential. So it all feels good and sounds acceptable and I think the boys are old enough for me to start this process.

After NIC, I picked up Mason from school and then ended up leading the Al-Anon meeting. Our normal Monday ritual. It was really a great meeting. Aren't they always? :) After the meeting Lori was sweet enough to get me in to Costco and use her card to purchase my medication as I didn't want to run out while we are away. That would be very very bad......for all of us!

Right now the boys are wired off of cookies and I just wanted to sit down for a bit and get lost on my laptop. We are traveling without a working DVD player tomorrow which means I am going to have to be a lot more engaging with the kids. I know which toys will buy me the most time. They arent' exactly small toys but I am bring a large "purse". Chocolate and cookies are my back up plan. :)

Wish me luck. I can't wait to see my hubby and my family.

Moms group visit to JumpALot

We have gone to JumpALot once before but I didn't bring my camera that day. This outfit has only been open a couple of months. The boys LOVE it and we all burn off a lot of steam. It costs $5 per child for one hour and we are exhausted after an hour. BT is such an adrenalin junky that I am forced to climb up all the slides so that he can go down them (just like when we were in England and found some really fun indoor playgrounds). Obviously I couldn't carry Talan and videotape so you'll have to use your imagination. :) I did get some good photos and video clips to share here. For once, my camera did great and nothing appears grainy.

Santa's Candy Cane Run

Well, we mustered up the motivation tonight to get all bundled up and out the door to attend Santa's Candy Cane run which was just across the street. We donated some pantry items for the food bank and some new books to the Toys for Tots. Both boys loved their candy cane they were given for our contributions. Mason requested that we drive around so that we could watch the entire procession again. Overall, it was worth the effort and it felt good to contribute to two good causes.

Mason's Pagent - Alarming

Mason had a pagent tonight at his school yet I knew absolutely nothing about it. Was it a play, singing, both? I kept asking Mason and he would say "I don't know". I caught him singing "we are the champions of the world" and so I immediately suspected they were singing Queen for the event although that didn't really fit in with the holidays or religion so when I asked him more about it (the Queen song) he explained Sponge Bob is always singing it. Oh my. Alarming. So, I continued to be clueless about tonight. I certainly didn't dress up or have Mason dress up. That was mistake number one. We were asked to arrive at 6pm but I got there 6pm on the dot and the entire parking lot was full and all the seats were taken. It took me awhile to figure out that I was supposed to bring Mason back stage to rehearse before "it" started. While looking in vain for a seat, I am carrying BT who is too heavy to be carried but to slow to walk when I am in a hurry. We finally scored a decent seat after all and the look on BT's face when he saw his big brother on the stage was priceless. Unfortunately, BT was moaning and pointing to everyone that Mason was on stage. Cute but annoying. Mason chewed on his fingers during the entire thing. His teacher Tammi held his hand, counseled him and generally watched over him like a hawk while the rest of his class behaved really well. So, I can't say it was a success. I can't say I enjoyed it. Fortunately the whole thing was over in 35 minutes for which I am eternally grateful. I showed up in sweats as the boys spilled their lunch all over me and I was just freaken tired after a long but fun day in Spokane. The Mobius science museum for kids rocks and the boys absolutely loved it there. We will definitely go back there. I am thinking I want to buy the yearly membership which is $55 for a family. Really reasonable. So the video and photos are all a bit blury because BT was crawling all over me, pulling on me and otherwise jostling me. Madness. I was the only single parent. Most people had their spouses, friends, grandparents essentially what appeared to be a huge group cheering for their little tyke. It was mayhem. It was merry. And, its over. Yippee.

Visit to the North Pole

We took the FERRYBOAT (Mason wouldn't go unless it was a ferry boat) to the North Pole with our friends Lori, Stephen and Sammi. It was fun and Sammi (10) was our official photographer. Mason did fall down half a flight of stairs just as we arrived at the North Pole so if you ask about our visit to the NP this is what he will tell you about (to illicit sympathy? or was it really that traumatic?). The Christmas tree at the NP is the largest live Christmas tree in the country (I learned this watching Good Morning America).

Overall, it was a cute experience. Talan loved all the lights and signed "more" when he saw them. The CDA Resort does a great job making this a cool experience. My friend Lori called in all of the kids names so Santa read them off of his list which due to the falling of Mason, we missed but Stephen and Sammi confirmed that our names we read. :)

I love living in Idaho.

The Montage is Done

Ok, my video montage is complete. Go to http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=457479266b39fc385d6141 to view it. Its over ten minutes long and that is edited from my original 16 minute one. :) Its not perfect and I will probably continue to edit it as time and energy permit.
Joe is now in Las Vegas getting ready for his half marathon tomorrow. This weekend is so full of stuff that I think it will fly by and he will be home before we know it.
Right now the boys are torturing (loving) the new kitty Spike. He doesn't seem to mind being rough handled so I am allowing it. I won't be surprised if someone gets hurt and ends up in tears.
We have to get ready for gymnastics at 10am, Al-Anon potluck at 12 noon and then home for an afternoon nap. Justyne is babysitting from 5pm to 8:30 so I can work out and go to the 7pm meditation meeting. Whew! I am exhausting thinking about it. Fun but full.