We arrived at Joey's moms house at about 7pm on the 23rd to spend the holidays with her and Curt. Susie passed away the next day. She never woke up the morning of the 24th. She stopped breathing at about noon. While we were grateful we saw her the previous evening for a few hours we were in shock that she passed so quickly. Clearly she held out for our arrival. After a little perspective, we realized that the most important thing was that she saw us, albeit briefly, and that she died a peaceful death. Her biggest fear was that her death would be painful. Dying in her sleep was true gift. Needless to say we have all shed a lot of tears.
Christmas Eve traditionally has been my favorite day of the year. My family has gone for a Christmas Eve walk in San Francisco ever since I can remember. It is our one family tradition and the one day we surely all spend together. This year my family met on the 22nd (to accommodate our going to Anaheim) and walked around Mill Valley instead of SF. Susie's passing on Christmas Eve felt horrific and I honestly don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. She is the first person I have been close to that died. The only other two times I can recall feeling nearly this sad is when I had a miscarriage and when I put Guiness to sleep.
Joe's mom was such a sweet kind woman. Seeing Joey cry and beg his mom for one more day alive was heart wrenching. Trying to keep a semblence of composure for the boys was a challenge for us. None of us are truly in the Christmas spirit. We opened presents this morning (all of them from Susie) which felt surreal. While we said outloud that she would want us to enjoy Christmas, none of us could shake our sadness. There were moments today when I could get into enjoying the boys ' presents with them, like Talan's new train set but for the most part our energy and enthusiasm were low. Susie's absense is palateable. Mason asked where Grandma Susie was and I told him that she was in heaven. He said "already"? Yes, already. She shouldn't be but she is.
I did take photos of the kids opening gifts more for their memory books than because I wanted to remember this day. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Joey is contemplating the meaning of life. Why are we alive he asks? We are born, we live and then we die. What is the point in that he asks? I don't know how to answer. Just keep trying to have faith. Faith that there is a larger purpose. That our actions matter more than wealth and status. That who we affect along the way as we journey through life is what leaves our legacy.
To say we are sad, confused and over-eating would be an understatement. I hope the boys don't remember any of this. I wish they didn't have to experience this at such young ages but I am powerless of people, places, things and situations. Powerless. Need faith. Shed tears. Communicate. Enjoy the beauty of my two exhuberant boys. Listen to Christmas music. Go online and journal. Use the tools I can to get through this dark time. Merry Christmas Grandma Susie. We love you. You are sorely missed and won't be forgotten. Ever.
Christmas Eve traditionally has been my favorite day of the year. My family has gone for a Christmas Eve walk in San Francisco ever since I can remember. It is our one family tradition and the one day we surely all spend together. This year my family met on the 22nd (to accommodate our going to Anaheim) and walked around Mill Valley instead of SF. Susie's passing on Christmas Eve felt horrific and I honestly don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. She is the first person I have been close to that died. The only other two times I can recall feeling nearly this sad is when I had a miscarriage and when I put Guiness to sleep.
Joe's mom was such a sweet kind woman. Seeing Joey cry and beg his mom for one more day alive was heart wrenching. Trying to keep a semblence of composure for the boys was a challenge for us. None of us are truly in the Christmas spirit. We opened presents this morning (all of them from Susie) which felt surreal. While we said outloud that she would want us to enjoy Christmas, none of us could shake our sadness. There were moments today when I could get into enjoying the boys ' presents with them, like Talan's new train set but for the most part our energy and enthusiasm were low. Susie's absense is palateable. Mason asked where Grandma Susie was and I told him that she was in heaven. He said "already"? Yes, already. She shouldn't be but she is.
I did take photos of the kids opening gifts more for their memory books than because I wanted to remember this day. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Joey is contemplating the meaning of life. Why are we alive he asks? We are born, we live and then we die. What is the point in that he asks? I don't know how to answer. Just keep trying to have faith. Faith that there is a larger purpose. That our actions matter more than wealth and status. That who we affect along the way as we journey through life is what leaves our legacy.
To say we are sad, confused and over-eating would be an understatement. I hope the boys don't remember any of this. I wish they didn't have to experience this at such young ages but I am powerless of people, places, things and situations. Powerless. Need faith. Shed tears. Communicate. Enjoy the beauty of my two exhuberant boys. Listen to Christmas music. Go online and journal. Use the tools I can to get through this dark time. Merry Christmas Grandma Susie. We love you. You are sorely missed and won't be forgotten. Ever.
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